Social anxiety is my middle name
Posted in Random and tagged with Social Anxiety on 04/22/2009 01:42 pm by RachaelI am socially awkward. I just am. And I wish I knew exactly why…
On the outside I am a decent enough looking specimen of the human species. Chubby, sure. But decent looking all the same. And on the inside I am intelligent, caring, and driven.
So why in the HELL do I feel so out of place and inferior in the most normal of situations?
Like for example, I went and got my hair cut today which was long over due. The salon I go to is filled with kind and warm women, and the atmosphere is friendly and welcoming. And still I feel like I don’t belong, like I am a child amongst the grown ups.
And don’t even get me started about a party or some other social gathering where I might not know everybody well. Or work meetings where I am supposed to mingle with my peers. I have this internal dialogue that people surely think I am a weirdo. And they probably do think I am weird–or just bitchy–because I am so withdrawn most of the time. And primarily this is because I just don’t know what to say. I have this all time cricket chirping audio everywhere I go–at least I wish I did. Anything to help fill the silence while my brain feverishly searches for something brilliant and witty to say.
My husband, bless him, is the polar opposite. I love going places with him because he is the type of person that draws people in. He is a bright shining light and NEVER runs out of things to say. To the point of nausea at times (just ask our friends!). I am completely content to sit back and let him do our socializing. This way I can relax, have a drink if I am lucky, and just enjoy my environment–the way I like to. I am a soaker. I like to add to the vibe and contribute to the conversation when I want to. God help me when I have to work a room myself.
Anyone feel me on this?
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April 22nd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I’m with you, girl. I’m definitely an observer and prefer to participate when I’m ready. I also rely on my outgoing, easygoing husband to work the crowd while I latch on and enjoy the ride. Kinda’ crazy!! Although I think it all appears differently to the outsider — the person not listening to my internal dialogue. Many of my friends might be surprised to hear me describe myself this way.
Your site is lovely and your writing is honest and engaging. Thanks for your comment at ProBlogger.
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Rachael,
I totally get what you feel. However the difference is, I have had events in my life to kill a woman’s self esteem. In the past year EVERYTHING has changed for me. I left an awful relationship that I was in for over three years, immediately started dating my current boyfriend, stopped taking anti-depressants, accepted a new position at work and then moved into a new place with the current boyfriend. My mind and soul have been occupied with just “trying to be normal”…whatever that is. If anyone knew me they would think that I live in a pretty darn good situation. The guy that I am dating treats me like gold, we live in a beautiful apartment and both have great jobs. So what’s wrong you ask? I wish I knew…or knew what to do to fix it. Maybe it will just take time to get used to being in different social situations. I hate feeling awkward! Luckily my boyfriend does very well in a big or little crowd, which takes some pressure off me.
You have a beautiful website and I enjoy the reading, keep it up!