Warm Hearts Happy Family

I can not write one more article on migraines, how to potty train a puppy, or hotels that accept pets in BFE.

I need a break.

And a back-rub.

And a place that I can write fragment sentences and use a passive voice if I want to. You are so worth $4.99 per month my bloggy blog.

Anywho…

I took a mini trip with my closest girlfriends last weekend. We went outlet shopping and stayed overnight. The hotel was mediocre if I am being generous and the pool water looked a little…off; in a green-ish sort of way. And yet it was one of the best days I have had in a long while.

Anybody that knows me understands that a shopper I am not. And yet I had a great time–worry free to boot. This trip made me realize something–I rarely enjoy things. Normally my anxiety would be churning. 

I mean seriously, what if I get sick in the store? What if the store gets robbed and I get shot? What if I am trying on clothes and my friends leave me and I am left behind? What if, I don’t know, I have a seizure in the middle of Old Navy for cripes sake! What if I get a call that something happened to my kids and I am 100 miles away? What if there is a bomb planted in the store?

See how this may not have been fun for me?

Well this time was different since being on anxiety medication. I was relaxed, I enjoyed being with my friends, and I was happy. I had a few litte anxiety flare-ups which I kept to myself, but overall the trip was pleasant.

I love my happy pill.

Never again do I want to look forward to something, go, and then simply wait impatiently for it to be over.

Medication is not for everybody, and is certainly not a quick fix. I am not advocating medication without responsibility and research. But for me, with both responsibility and research, it may just give me the life I didn’t know I was missing.

Booyah.

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I am a strong person, always have been.  I am a problem solver, a solution finder–always.  I am the level headed one, the person people bring their problems to.  The one that can see a situation from all angles, all possibilities, all sides, almost immediately.  I have always put my identity in my strength, in my ability to meet my goals.

So imagine my surprise when I completely fell apart. 

As the cool air started blowing in it’s crisp promises of fall fun, so did it blow away the person I once knew.  No longer did I have things together, but instead I was wasting away in my anxiety.  Somehow my anxiety, always lurking and hiding in the shadows, had found the upper hand.  Had found a weakness in my armor, and had taken over my life.

My most important definition of success–creating a genuinely joyful life for my family–was being tested, strained, and beaten.  I pride myself on finding balance, being a working mom and an attached parent.  I had it figured out, joy and balance is my thing.  How did I lose control? 

Everyday tasks like taking my son to preschool, cleaning up spilled juice, or even getting out of bed became mountains to climb.  The second I woke up, the anxiety began churning–thoughts of what could possibly go wrong that day and how my life seemed so overwhelming.

I didn’t wait very long before seeking help–remember, I am a problem solver at heart.  And I had a big problem.  I took my husband with me to the doctors for support, but mostly so he could hear what was going on straight from the doctor.  Because just as much as I needed a light at the end of the tunnel, so did he.  I know my months of panic attacks that rendered me useless put a huge strain on him.

I also dove right into research to learn about anxiety, to try and put logic into a problem that is anything but logical.  That is when I stumbled upon a word that would connect so many pieces–that would make me feel less crazy–that would give me a feeling of power back into my life.

Emetophobia.

One word answered so many questions and quieted feelings of irrationality and craziness. 

I am on my way back to normal.  After some trial and error with medication, research, and support I am feeling like my old self.  I am feeling back in control, and I am the woman, wife, and mother my family deserves…almost.

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