Warm Hearts Happy Family

Just keep swimming...

Cough, Cough, HACK.

That was me choking on the ploom of dust that bellowed upward as I cracked my beloved blog.

I have missed my baby, but mama is out making the money honey. One of my 2010 goals is to begin earning a livable income through writing. So that is where my “free time” has been spent. Working with clients that pay well for quality work.

Last year I made a grand total of…drum roll…$275. I know, I know. Baller. Since January I am happy to report that I have earned $615, not bad for 2 months (and on an extremly part time basis, as my real day job takes priority).

Just more arsenal in the hope bank. Hope for my future and hope for my dreams.  And hope for our financial security.

The affirmations keep coming that I am on the right path, that writing is my truth. And that I might actually have what it takes to “make it” doing something that I love.

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Skinny people may take this for granted.  I am talking about being able to wear a belt without it looking like the knot between two fat sausage links.

Kinks separating your chubby goodness is never a good thing, never. Ever. And isn’t the main purpose of a belt to keep your pants in place?  Well, thank you very much, but I didn’t need any help in that department.  My badonkadonk held my pants up just fine.

I am happy to report that I now am in desperate need of a belt because my pants are falling off my waist at an alarming rate.  While it feels go to be constantly pulling them up (a beautiful reminder that my ass isn’t the continent that it used to be), I am sure it isn’t exactly screaming that is one classy lady.

Next order of business:  buy a sweet looking belt to accentuate my new waist and to invest in some smaller pants. 

Needless to say, I am very thankful this Thanksgiving.  And so is my healthier heart.  Oh, and my feet!  I am sure my feet are also very thankful to have the ease of 30 pounds lifted off of their hard working day.  And hopefully my hubby is thankful too.

You see, I have learned a lot about myself this past year, the biggest thing being that I hate being fat.  I am in control of that now–so goodbye fat pants, its been real but I am off to a more quality life.

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I turned 30 yesterday.  Finally.  Truth be told I have been looking forward to being 30 all year. 

I wondered if I would feel more like an adult, like a grown-up instead of a fumbling and bumbling 12 year old…we shall see.

A lot of great things are happening lately.  My writing is going extremely well and I am making all of the goals I have set for myself.  I am going to continue to pursue this dream and I hope 2010 is good to me.

I have also hit the 20 pound mark in my weight loss.  I haven’t weighed what I weigh now since before I got pregnant with my son.  I am starting to look normal chubby, not “whoa that’s a huge chick!” chubby. 

I have also finally made a doctor appointment for my anxiety.  Lately, I would say for the past month it has been raging, just raging out of control.  I feel anxious every single day.  If I don’t have a panic attack on top of it, then it was a good day.  I have always had anxiety but I have always managed it.  When it would get bad, it would always recede and give me peace in between episodes.  But not anymore.

I can not live with this constant feeling of dread anymore.  Things hit a peak when at my 30′th birthday party on Saturday I had an attack.  Not just the normal feeling of irrational fear, but an attack on top of it.  The more people that came into the house, the more I felt out of control, out of breath.  Not even an hour into the party I was sitting by myself, trying to control the attack, crying, and wishing the party was over.  Saying to myself “I can’t wait for this to be over.”

I realize I need help.  I am so hesitant to let myself become dependant on medication.  My family has a history of addiction and abuse.  But I can not live like this anymore.

I will update after my appointment.  Here’s to feeling better!

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And not just a better mom but a better wife, a better employee, and a better member of society.

I am feeling fantastic because slowly…very slowly…I am recognizing the person in the mirror. I am seeing my old face. I am feeling energy instead of exhaustion. And I am feeling skinny(er).

Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day Shred really gave my battery a jump–gave me the motivation to claim my health and body back. I am now on my fifth week of Weight Watchers and am down another 15 pounds! Go me!

I turn 30…in one month. And damn-it I want to be a MILF. I want to feel hip and cool, pretty and successful. I want to have it all and my thick layers of fat were keeping me from the person I want to be.

Like it or not when you are fat, you are discounted in society. You are invisible. And you are not taken seriously. When I hit 220 pounds I experienced this for the first time.

I find it extraordinarily interesting they way people interact differently with me during the different stages of my weight. Weight shouldn’t matter but it does. Your weight–right or wrong–says something about you (accurate or not). I am done feeling fat and inadequate.
I am ready to feel young, empowered, and in control!

My house is a much happier place when I am in control. A much more tranquil and doused-in-love place when I feel good. My family has filled me up with love so strong I practically have joy seeping from my pores and sunshine beaming from my ass. It’s good stuff.

So taking control of my weight and my happiness is the least I can do for them.
I still have a long way to go—as in 50 more pounds to go—but I started. And starting can be the hardest part.

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Why did I do that?   I really really hate looking at fat pictures of myself because then I have to face how people really see me; and that is embarrassing.  My cheeks are already turning red. 

 But promise I did so here they come.  And I am even in the same dress, making comparison even easier!

Here I am at a shower in May of 09 (I started the Shred at the end of June but my weight was the same).  I look like a plump centerpiece to all of my fit and pretty friends:

And here is me from this past weekend:

 The lovely lady next to me in the second set of pictures is my beautiful little sister.  And I am starting to hold my own next to her again, ya think?

I realize that the time frame of comparisons is 2 months (and not the toted 30 days), but it was all the Shred.  And I did the Shred for about 5 weeks of that time.  So in my experience, it works. 

The numbers on the scale did not go down much, but you can clearly see a difference in inches, and in my overall appearance.

I did the Shred again today, and am going to give it my 100% effort again.  I also just finished my first week of Weight Watchers to kick my weight loss into high hear.

Wish me luck! 

PS:  If you are questing the drastic change in my hair color, see this post.

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