Warm Hearts Happy Family

I have lost 40 pounds…my main success factor? I stopped giving food the power.

It started with the 30 Day Shred. If anybody can do what was promised in 30 days I believed Jillian Michael’s could. After I saw such great results I didn’t stop. I joined Weight Watchers with my cousin and great friend and haven’t looked back.

Here is another before and after picture example.

Here is my husband and I Easter of 09

And here we are Easter of this year

Weight loss IS possible, once you believe you are worth it. Once you believe you are worthy of being thin. And we are all worthy of living an energetic and fulfilling life.

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I can not write one more article on migraines, how to potty train a puppy, or hotels that accept pets in BFE.

I need a break.

And a back-rub.

And a place that I can write fragment sentences and use a passive voice if I want to. You are so worth $4.99 per month my bloggy blog.

Anywho…

I took a mini trip with my closest girlfriends last weekend. We went outlet shopping and stayed overnight. The hotel was mediocre if I am being generous and the pool water looked a little…off; in a green-ish sort of way. And yet it was one of the best days I have had in a long while.

Anybody that knows me understands that a shopper I am not. And yet I had a great time–worry free to boot. This trip made me realize something–I rarely enjoy things. Normally my anxiety would be churning. 

I mean seriously, what if I get sick in the store? What if the store gets robbed and I get shot? What if I am trying on clothes and my friends leave me and I am left behind? What if, I don’t know, I have a seizure in the middle of Old Navy for cripes sake! What if I get a call that something happened to my kids and I am 100 miles away? What if there is a bomb planted in the store?

See how this may not have been fun for me?

Well this time was different since being on anxiety medication. I was relaxed, I enjoyed being with my friends, and I was happy. I had a few litte anxiety flare-ups which I kept to myself, but overall the trip was pleasant.

I love my happy pill.

Never again do I want to look forward to something, go, and then simply wait impatiently for it to be over.

Medication is not for everybody, and is certainly not a quick fix. I am not advocating medication without responsibility and research. But for me, with both responsibility and research, it may just give me the life I didn’t know I was missing.

Booyah.

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Just keep swimming...

Cough, Cough, HACK.

That was me choking on the ploom of dust that bellowed upward as I cracked my beloved blog.

I have missed my baby, but mama is out making the money honey. One of my 2010 goals is to begin earning a livable income through writing. So that is where my “free time” has been spent. Working with clients that pay well for quality work.

Last year I made a grand total of…drum roll…$275. I know, I know. Baller. Since January I am happy to report that I have earned $615, not bad for 2 months (and on an extremly part time basis, as my real day job takes priority).

Just more arsenal in the hope bank. Hope for my future and hope for my dreams.  And hope for our financial security.

The affirmations keep coming that I am on the right path, that writing is my truth. And that I might actually have what it takes to “make it” doing something that I love.

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Skinny people may take this for granted.  I am talking about being able to wear a belt without it looking like the knot between two fat sausage links.

Kinks separating your chubby goodness is never a good thing, never. Ever. And isn’t the main purpose of a belt to keep your pants in place?  Well, thank you very much, but I didn’t need any help in that department.  My badonkadonk held my pants up just fine.

I am happy to report that I now am in desperate need of a belt because my pants are falling off my waist at an alarming rate.  While it feels go to be constantly pulling them up (a beautiful reminder that my ass isn’t the continent that it used to be), I am sure it isn’t exactly screaming that is one classy lady.

Next order of business:  buy a sweet looking belt to accentuate my new waist and to invest in some smaller pants. 

Needless to say, I am very thankful this Thanksgiving.  And so is my healthier heart.  Oh, and my feet!  I am sure my feet are also very thankful to have the ease of 30 pounds lifted off of their hard working day.  And hopefully my hubby is thankful too.

You see, I have learned a lot about myself this past year, the biggest thing being that I hate being fat.  I am in control of that now–so goodbye fat pants, its been real but I am off to a more quality life.

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I turned 30 yesterday.  Finally.  Truth be told I have been looking forward to being 30 all year. 

I wondered if I would feel more like an adult, like a grown-up instead of a fumbling and bumbling 12 year old…we shall see.

A lot of great things are happening lately.  My writing is going extremely well and I am making all of the goals I have set for myself.  I am going to continue to pursue this dream and I hope 2010 is good to me.

I have also hit the 20 pound mark in my weight loss.  I haven’t weighed what I weigh now since before I got pregnant with my son.  I am starting to look normal chubby, not “whoa that’s a huge chick!” chubby. 

I have also finally made a doctor appointment for my anxiety.  Lately, I would say for the past month it has been raging, just raging out of control.  I feel anxious every single day.  If I don’t have a panic attack on top of it, then it was a good day.  I have always had anxiety but I have always managed it.  When it would get bad, it would always recede and give me peace in between episodes.  But not anymore.

I can not live with this constant feeling of dread anymore.  Things hit a peak when at my 30′th birthday party on Saturday I had an attack.  Not just the normal feeling of irrational fear, but an attack on top of it.  The more people that came into the house, the more I felt out of control, out of breath.  Not even an hour into the party I was sitting by myself, trying to control the attack, crying, and wishing the party was over.  Saying to myself “I can’t wait for this to be over.”

I realize I need help.  I am so hesitant to let myself become dependant on medication.  My family has a history of addiction and abuse.  But I can not live like this anymore.

I will update after my appointment.  Here’s to feeling better!

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