Warm Hearts Happy Family

And not just a better mom but a better wife, a better employee, and a better member of society.

I am feeling fantastic because slowly…very slowly…I am recognizing the person in the mirror. I am seeing my old face. I am feeling energy instead of exhaustion. And I am feeling skinny(er).

Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day Shred really gave my battery a jump–gave me the motivation to claim my health and body back. I am now on my fifth week of Weight Watchers and am down another 15 pounds! Go me!

I turn 30…in one month. And damn-it I want to be a MILF. I want to feel hip and cool, pretty and successful. I want to have it all and my thick layers of fat were keeping me from the person I want to be.

Like it or not when you are fat, you are discounted in society. You are invisible. And you are not taken seriously. When I hit 220 pounds I experienced this for the first time.

I find it extraordinarily interesting they way people interact differently with me during the different stages of my weight. Weight shouldn’t matter but it does. Your weight–right or wrong–says something about you (accurate or not). I am done feeling fat and inadequate.
I am ready to feel young, empowered, and in control!

My house is a much happier place when I am in control. A much more tranquil and doused-in-love place when I feel good. My family has filled me up with love so strong I practically have joy seeping from my pores and sunshine beaming from my ass. It’s good stuff.

So taking control of my weight and my happiness is the least I can do for them.
I still have a long way to go—as in 50 more pounds to go—but I started. And starting can be the hardest part.

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Why did I do that?   I really really hate looking at fat pictures of myself because then I have to face how people really see me; and that is embarrassing.  My cheeks are already turning red. 

 But promise I did so here they come.  And I am even in the same dress, making comparison even easier!

Here I am at a shower in May of 09 (I started the Shred at the end of June but my weight was the same).  I look like a plump centerpiece to all of my fit and pretty friends:

And here is me from this past weekend:

 The lovely lady next to me in the second set of pictures is my beautiful little sister.  And I am starting to hold my own next to her again, ya think?

I realize that the time frame of comparisons is 2 months (and not the toted 30 days), but it was all the Shred.  And I did the Shred for about 5 weeks of that time.  So in my experience, it works. 

The numbers on the scale did not go down much, but you can clearly see a difference in inches, and in my overall appearance.

I did the Shred again today, and am going to give it my 100% effort again.  I also just finished my first week of Weight Watchers to kick my weight loss into high hear.

Wish me luck! 

PS:  If you are questing the drastic change in my hair color, see this post.

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One of the most inspirational books I have read is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (co-authored with Jeffery Zaslow).  Randy lived his life with passion and courage and most importantly with dreams.  He realized almost all of his childhood dreams against all the odds most people face. 

One of the things that resonated loudly with me was one of his mantras:  “The brick walls are there for a reason.  They’re not there to keep us out.  The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something”.  These words embedded themselves into my core and refused to be ignored.

I want my children to grow up surrounded by optimism, surrounded by success and passion.  I lost my dreams somewhere between swinging on the playground and figuring out how to make all of the bill payments on time.  But I am claiming them back–my life is mine to determine and I owe it to my childhood-self to do the things she knew I would be best at.  The things that would make me happy.

Kids are funny that way.  They know their talents right away–they know what they want to be right away.  But too often kids face stresses and obstacles that erode the once glossy dream into a distant memory.  I will do everything in my power not to let this happen to my children.  I am hear to nurture and foster every dream they have–who am I to say if their dreams are realistic or weather or not they can achieve them.  They will face that enough in their lives and my hope is my voice will be loud enough, influencing enough, to resonate in their heads when they themselves are feeling self-doubt. 

Kids are sponges and in a lot of cases emulate the life they have at home.  So my gift to them–to prove they can make whatever life they want–is to believe in myself.  To chase after my dreams and to accomplish my definition of success.

***Important note*** I think it is prudent to mention one of the things I have been blessed with is common sense. So you will never see me screaming into a camera at the judges of American Idol if my child is clearly and devastatingly devoid of any artistic talent.  Nurturing does not equal lying to your children but that is just me. 

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Please don’t mind me as I am sure your world will continue to orbit around the sun without reading my “what direction should I take my life in now” post. 

Again.

But bear with me my www friends as I can feel my success whispering sweet promises in my ear, can feel accomplishment waiting in my shadows.  For the first time in my life I believe in myself, if only I could get focused.   Lists are the best way to laser in on the specifics, so a list I will make.

I know one thing for sure.  I want to be a writer.  I am not sure what defines a writer, or how much success is needed before giving ones self such a title; but I will worry about that later.  My first question is in what way do I want to become a writer?  Here are a list of things I want to do:

• Have my own column or blog in a national publication.  Shit, start smaller.  Local publication…baby steps.
• Freelance for publication in popular magazines (Parenting, Women’s Health, etc)
• Write a funny and encouraging  “how to” book on breastfeeding from a typical Americans point of view
• Start a children’s book series that I have tried to start for years
• Look for more blogging opportunities

I want to do all of the above but the key is what do I want to put my energy into first.  I will spend the next day or so staring blankly at this list until my next project jumps off the screen, slaps me in the face, and makes me it’s bitch.

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I am turning 30 this year and truth be told I excited for the new chapter. I am learning what really defines me. And am taking hold of what I want out of life. I was watching Bishop TD Jakes one day and he said something that turned a light bulb on…he said your life is not going to happen by accident. You need a plan. If you don’t change your behavior and create a plan, your outcome is going to be the same. Duh! But he said it in such a way that made sense to me. I had heard this all my life in school…goal setting, life planning etc. But this man, this day, finally made me believe in myself and believe that I can have whatever life I want.

So…what life do I want? I am pretty much living it, but with a huge factor missing. Are my husband and I fulfilling what we are meant to do with our lives? We are an amazing team. We are amazing parents but I know we can be better people. We both have careers that we don’t love, we work to pay the bills. And that is OK, but I don’t want to be just OK anymore. I want financial security but that is never going to happen unless we believe we are worthy of that. I want to make a difference in the world but I for the life of me don’t know how. I STILL don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. How sad is that? I could never come up with an answer in school when asked either. I know a couple of things. I love children, especially children in need. I have a deep desire to heal little souls. I would love to work helping children battle autism, along side with giving their parents hope. But how do I start my life over with a mortgage, 2 kids, and piles of bills? Oh, and almost zero spare time?

More than myself, I would love to see my husband realize how amazing he is. That he is so smart and can do ANYTHING he wanted. Anything. He is such a smart man and he cuts himself so short. He is so talented in so many ways. I pray that he has his aha moment. I would bend over backwards to see him succeed, would give up almost anything to see his self esteem rise and see him fulfill his desires. If only he could figure out what he wants to do, and believe he can do it. Tim, if you read this you can do it.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy. I am really soaking in what this means and trying to live by it. You get out of life what you imagine, what you dream, and how you see yourself. It is applicable to so much in my life. I always saw myself married to an amazing man, check. Always saw myself as a mother, check. Always saw myself in a beautiful home filled with love and peace, check. I have accomplished so much in my life with this philosophy and didn’t even realize it. When I made the Pom squad in high school. When I wanted my current position at work (that I am still in 7 years later! ugh!). When planning my dream wedding. So many things happened just as I saw they would, knew they would. Now I am trying to use this to take my life to the next level.

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