Warm Hearts Happy Family

I turned 30 yesterday.  Finally.  Truth be told I have been looking forward to being 30 all year. 

I wondered if I would feel more like an adult, like a grown-up instead of a fumbling and bumbling 12 year old…we shall see.

A lot of great things are happening lately.  My writing is going extremely well and I am making all of the goals I have set for myself.  I am going to continue to pursue this dream and I hope 2010 is good to me.

I have also hit the 20 pound mark in my weight loss.  I haven’t weighed what I weigh now since before I got pregnant with my son.  I am starting to look normal chubby, not “whoa that’s a huge chick!” chubby. 

I have also finally made a doctor appointment for my anxiety.  Lately, I would say for the past month it has been raging, just raging out of control.  I feel anxious every single day.  If I don’t have a panic attack on top of it, then it was a good day.  I have always had anxiety but I have always managed it.  When it would get bad, it would always recede and give me peace in between episodes.  But not anymore.

I can not live with this constant feeling of dread anymore.  Things hit a peak when at my 30′th birthday party on Saturday I had an attack.  Not just the normal feeling of irrational fear, but an attack on top of it.  The more people that came into the house, the more I felt out of control, out of breath.  Not even an hour into the party I was sitting by myself, trying to control the attack, crying, and wishing the party was over.  Saying to myself “I can’t wait for this to be over.”

I realize I need help.  I am so hesitant to let myself become dependant on medication.  My family has a history of addiction and abuse.  But I can not live like this anymore.

I will update after my appointment.  Here’s to feeling better!

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I had the very real pleasure of receiving an advanced copy of Eileen Goudge’s latest novel Once In A Blue Moon to read and review.

First and foremost, I love to read. Books are my happy place and with little ones at home, time to relax and read is more than a little hard to come by.

This gave me the perfect excuse: “Honey, you have to clean up after dinner, bathe the children, and get them to sleep. I have to read…it’s my work.” Score.

Once In A Blue Moon exceeded my expectations. Goudge has a real talent for bringing your senses alive. She perfectly tapped into the angst of a girl—a child herself—carrying the responsibility of raising her baby sister.

This is where the story starts, with Lindsey, a 12 year old girl forced to grow up well beyond her years to take care of her younger sister Kerrie Ann, age 3. She struggles to hold their fragile reality together as best as a 12 year old can. Her world shatters when the girl’s mother is arrested and the sisters are sent into separate foster care.

Your heart will ache for these children as they are ripped apart from each other in fierce flurry of tears, panic, and deep sadness.

Lindsey and Kerrie Ann led opposite lives—the system working flawlessly for Lindsey, while quite flawed in Kerrie Ann’s case. Close to 30 years pass, never without Lindsey searching for her baby sister when circumstances reunite the women. And so starts part two of their story.

As you can imagine, different upbringings bring vastly different lifestyles. The girls clash immediately and you are left wondering how the hurt of the past will ever heal, and if friendship and family is in the cards.

Lindsey is forced to deal with emotions she had learned to bury, to keep just below the raw surface, while Kerrie Ann deals with trying to calm her outbursts of anger and emotion.

Both women face their own trouble and adversity, and fall into each others hearts when battling through their seemingly constant uphill battles.

Another unexpected thing came into the sister’s lives—men. Just when they least expected to find the healing that only falling in love can bring, there love was. And heal it did.

If you are looking for detailed imagery, feeling the spectrum of emotion, and a fantastic love story Once In A Blue Moon is a read for you. The story is accurate, to the point, and honest. I am a new fan of Eileen Goudge and look forward to reading more of her work.

Once In A Blue Moon is on bookselves now, so go pick up your own copy and settle in for a good read.

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Happy anniversary love.  I can’t believe it has been 6 years since our wedding.  2 kids and 50 pounds later, I love you more than I did then.  You are still my best friend and my most favorite person.

Big fat smooches.

Here is to less irritation with each other, and more appreciation. Can’t wait to see what this next year brings.

Here is a photo montage starting with us in 1999, and ending this past weekend.

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Having a tall husband kicks ass.  Ony several different levels–let me break them down:

First, and most importantly, when you are 5′1 and your husband is 6′5, he is always looking at you from a downward angle.  Downward people!  No wonder he seems oblivious to the fact that I am indeed fat!  This is the short chubby woman’s lottery.  And, BONUS!  My boobs are so big that is where is line of vision probably stops.  Beautiful.

Another brilliant benefit of having a big ol man at home, is he turns from man to human jungle gym instantly.  Down on all 4’s he has enough back space to ride 2 kids (with room for a third…hmmm…one day) horseback at the same time.  Standing upright he reminds me of a strong oak tree–suitable for swinging and climbing on.

If, and let me stress if, some crazy stalker were scoping out our house with malicious intent…the sight of a large-and-in-charge man might be more hassle than our little house is worth.  I tell myself that anyway.

So honey, your mind and friendship are why I married you, but your body is what keeps me around

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And not just a better mom but a better wife, a better employee, and a better member of society.

I am feeling fantastic because slowly…very slowly…I am recognizing the person in the mirror. I am seeing my old face. I am feeling energy instead of exhaustion. And I am feeling skinny(er).

Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day Shred really gave my battery a jump–gave me the motivation to claim my health and body back. I am now on my fifth week of Weight Watchers and am down another 15 pounds! Go me!

I turn 30…in one month. And damn-it I want to be a MILF. I want to feel hip and cool, pretty and successful. I want to have it all and my thick layers of fat were keeping me from the person I want to be.

Like it or not when you are fat, you are discounted in society. You are invisible. And you are not taken seriously. When I hit 220 pounds I experienced this for the first time.

I find it extraordinarily interesting they way people interact differently with me during the different stages of my weight. Weight shouldn’t matter but it does. Your weight–right or wrong–says something about you (accurate or not). I am done feeling fat and inadequate.
I am ready to feel young, empowered, and in control!

My house is a much happier place when I am in control. A much more tranquil and doused-in-love place when I feel good. My family has filled me up with love so strong I practically have joy seeping from my pores and sunshine beaming from my ass. It’s good stuff.

So taking control of my weight and my happiness is the least I can do for them.
I still have a long way to go—as in 50 more pounds to go—but I started. And starting can be the hardest part.

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