Warm Hearts Happy Family

I turned 30 yesterday.  Finally.  Truth be told I have been looking forward to being 30 all year. 

I wondered if I would feel more like an adult, like a grown-up instead of a fumbling and bumbling 12 year old…we shall see.

A lot of great things are happening lately.  My writing is going extremely well and I am making all of the goals I have set for myself.  I am going to continue to pursue this dream and I hope 2010 is good to me.

I have also hit the 20 pound mark in my weight loss.  I haven’t weighed what I weigh now since before I got pregnant with my son.  I am starting to look normal chubby, not “whoa that’s a huge chick!” chubby. 

I have also finally made a doctor appointment for my anxiety.  Lately, I would say for the past month it has been raging, just raging out of control.  I feel anxious every single day.  If I don’t have a panic attack on top of it, then it was a good day.  I have always had anxiety but I have always managed it.  When it would get bad, it would always recede and give me peace in between episodes.  But not anymore.

I can not live with this constant feeling of dread anymore.  Things hit a peak when at my 30′th birthday party on Saturday I had an attack.  Not just the normal feeling of irrational fear, but an attack on top of it.  The more people that came into the house, the more I felt out of control, out of breath.  Not even an hour into the party I was sitting by myself, trying to control the attack, crying, and wishing the party was over.  Saying to myself “I can’t wait for this to be over.”

I realize I need help.  I am so hesitant to let myself become dependant on medication.  My family has a history of addiction and abuse.  But I can not live like this anymore.

I will update after my appointment.  Here’s to feeling better!

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Please don’t mind me as I am sure your world will continue to orbit around the sun without reading my “what direction should I take my life in now” post. 

Again.

But bear with me my www friends as I can feel my success whispering sweet promises in my ear, can feel accomplishment waiting in my shadows.  For the first time in my life I believe in myself, if only I could get focused.   Lists are the best way to laser in on the specifics, so a list I will make.

I know one thing for sure.  I want to be a writer.  I am not sure what defines a writer, or how much success is needed before giving ones self such a title; but I will worry about that later.  My first question is in what way do I want to become a writer?  Here are a list of things I want to do:

• Have my own column or blog in a national publication.  Shit, start smaller.  Local publication…baby steps.
• Freelance for publication in popular magazines (Parenting, Women’s Health, etc)
• Write a funny and encouraging  “how to” book on breastfeeding from a typical Americans point of view
• Start a children’s book series that I have tried to start for years
• Look for more blogging opportunities

I want to do all of the above but the key is what do I want to put my energy into first.  I will spend the next day or so staring blankly at this list until my next project jumps off the screen, slaps me in the face, and makes me it’s bitch.

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