Warm Hearts Happy Family

Today was my biscuit’s first official day of preschool.  I had prepped him for a week about how I would be dropping him off and how much fun he was surely going to have.  Thankfully, drop off was a happy exciting event. 

Here he is sweet as hell and ready to learn:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The whole way home Sissy was confused that brother was not with us. The way she was so concerned that B was absent from the car was heart warming; and also matched what I was feeling perfectly. The car was oddly quiet and I was a little sad.

But then we got home, and sissy realized she had free reign over ALL of they toys. Her concern was long forgotten!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We had some serious one on one time which felt fantastic:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then we waited…and took the waiting outside because it was such a beautiful day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sissy was pumped when I said “time to go!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And finally followed by more waiting in the parking lot, because mom was too damn excited and we left way too early.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When we went in to pick brother up, he came jumping out of the room telling me how much fun he had. “I had so much lot of fun mom!”

I love my life, and I thank God for my children. They are such pure sweetness and everything that gives my life meaning.

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My phone conversation with my husband yesterday:

Tim:  Even though our kids may not always listen, the one thing they do have is great manners. 

Me:  Yes they do…(cut off as usual by him)

Tim:  They say please and thank-you so well and they mean it.  They are such sweet kids. 

Me:  I know, they are the sweetest…(cut off.  again.)

Tim:  I don’t know where they get it from either.  Its like they were just born to have manners, its so weird.

Me:  *I actually moved the phone away from my ear and just stared at it.  Silent and blinking.  To make sure I processed what I had just heard correctly*

Tim:  Hello?

Me:  They just magically learned their manners?

Tim:  Well you know what I mean.

Me:  Actually Timmy, I worked really hard to teach our kids to be polite.  And I have been pretty succesful despite who their outrageously annoying fun-loving father is.

Tim:  Huh.  OK, gotta go.

Click.

PS Babe:  When I remind you to say please and thank-you–and heaven help us–excuse-me when the appropriate time calls, it isn’t to be a beastly nag.  It is because kids do as their parents do.  So with a little nagging nudging by me you have actually taught our babies their manners too! 

Crazy concept I know.

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I was very late to the Internet craze.  I never IM’ed when it was THE THING TO DO on a Friday night.  I never spent hours looking up my favorite celebrities, and I never used the glow of the computer screen to eat up my life–days at a time.

But….

In the last few years I have gotten very into social sites like Facebook.  I quickly learned how much the internet can enhance my life, friendships, and career opportunities.  Now I am completely immersed in the social media and networking scene and use sites like Twitter daily .  

I am having a mild love affair with my computer.

What I am also discovering is how inundated and repulsive the porn industry is.  They shove themselves into your personal space at every opportunity, and force you to realize and ackowledge the seedy underbelly of the Internet. 

Generally speaking, I don’t have a problem with porn.  What adults want to do with their time, bodies, and sexual exploration is their right and their business.  What I have a problem with is the industry exploiting human weakness and throwing erotic images under the noses of unsuspecting people, who did not ask for the distraction, nor seek it out.

Almost daily I get a new twitter follower that is so obviously peddling porn (and sometimes not-so-obvious).  And before I block them–sometimes, sometimes–I am tempted to click on the link.  I am grossly curious of what I will see.  And sometimes I do click, roll my eyes, and block the person from my existence.  

But what will our children do?

Porn addiction is a real condition and can be very damaging.  When started at puberty, before a child is mature and self assured enough to process the images, porn can stunt their social growth.  They will get the satisfaction from their computer screen and never learn the skills needed to sustain a healthy relationship.  They can become reclusive and depressed and disconnected from the real world.  Sexual reality becomes so far off  base it can seem impossible to plug into the real world.

And how about our men?  Our significant others and husbands? 

To start, I am not giving men a free pass or get out of jail free card.  But men are visual.  Men are carnal and men love sex.  They love the female body.  Naked.  And preferably doing things they may be too embarrassed to ask their wives to do.  And porn is there, shoving itself down the throats of the Internet goer in almost every place men visit.  Don’t believe me?  Just check out a fantasy football/baseball/sport-of-any-kind forum.  Ads are there, and posters are there to lure men into that “place”.  For many men this becomes a place to escape, and to forget about the stress in their lives.  For the whole 30 seconds. Â

I don’t blame the men for getting sucked in, I really don’t.  Because on the rarest of occasion it sucks me in too.  And with a full time career, 2 kids, breastfeeding, writing, and the general running of my house–sex and porn are the LAST things I am interested in.  But pull me in it can.  So men…I love you, I love the ass backwards way your minds work, and I understand.  I really do.

But what can this do to your marriage? 

 I have seen many marriages fall victim to porn.  And it is never the porn itself.  It is the lying, the lack of respect, the sexless marriages, and the disgust that porn industry brings into many lives.  And many lives it does ruin.  And I have a slightly better understanding of it now; now that I see how often porn comes to the Internet user in hopes to suck away your money, marriage, dreams, and self dignity.

OK, that was just slightly dramatic and I am laughing at myself because I know many couples that are healthy and thriving and have a healthy relationship with porn.  But I fear more do not. 

So what is my point?   I fear what our world will look like when my children are old enough to use the Internet unsupervised.  I fear what the Internet porn industry is doing for the morality of our generation, and the generation of our children.  And I fear that many couples–too ashamed to admit it–have unsatisfied sex lives because of the unrealistic expectations porn brings into their lives.

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Warning:  This will be a rant.  I may use strong language, and I will get up on my soap box. 

One of the first things I came across this morning was Us Weekly breaking the story that Jon of ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′ was indeed cheating on his wife.  Jon Gosselin means nothing to me nor am I a huge fan of the show.  I have no opinion of Kate either way and still I felt such a deep sorrow I could have wept for that family right there at my kitchen table.

In fact every single time I hear about infidelity involving kids I feel such sorrow and hurt; and feel such rage towards the cheater.  I do not understand how a parent could do that to their family; to their children.  When you cheat on your spouse you are not only cheating on them–you are cheating on your entire family. 

You are telling your children that they mean nothing, are worth nothing.  Think about it.  Your children make up your family and when you go outside of your marriage with another person you are saying your family is not important.  Your family is expendable.  Your family is replaceable.  You will devisatate your children’s world.  Forever.  Your innocent happy children will form their very first brick wall around their heart.  

Congratulations.  Your a big fucking loser and your kids deserve better.

I am not saying I don’t understand why some people cheat.  I am human, I have felt attraction to other men other than my husband.  But when you open up your mind to that possibility and open your heart to another person outside of your marriage, you have set yourself up to lose.  You have created a live bomb that will detonate in the core of your family; in the core of your children’s safe haven.  Just don’t even go there.

Work your problems out with your spouse.  Do not use your problems as a free ticket into the pants of someone new.  Because I promise a strangers vagina will not fix your problems with your wife, that is your penis talking.  And I know how persuasive he can be, but keep your pants zipped.  You will thank yourself when you do finally reconnect with your family.  You will be proud of your morals and proud of your strength. 

I know a few couples that have an open marriage and they are happy and healthy and absolutely thriving.  While this would never work for me I am all for it–as long as it is mutually accepted–I say hats off.  I think cheating hurts primarily because of the lying; the act itself comes in a close second.  These couples have managed to take that whole stress right off of the table.  So if you are doubting your ability to be with one person for the rest of your life–this is the conversation you need to have before having children. 

On a final note, if you discover your spouse has been sneaking around, lying and cheating, keep the kids out of it.  I know how hard this will be but save your fighting for when you are alone.  And not alone as in the kids are sleeping because I promise you they are not.  They are lying in bed–sobbing–and listening to their secure world fall apart.  Be a grown up.  Do what your kids deserve.  Fight on your time and be parents on their time.

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Since publishing my article Why today’s parents are saying no to circumcision, I have received a lot of supportive comments and emails.  Along with several people asking what led to my awakening since my son is in fact circumcised. 

I say awakening because that really is what happens–once you get what circumcision really is and what the procedure does to your newborn–there is no looking back.  In my opinion there is no way you could put your baby through that kind of primitive torture; once you realize that torture is exactly what the US standard of circumcision is.  And that my friends is what led my journey to the other side.

Sure, I knew that the procedure would be painful.  I knew the healing process would be uncomfortable.  But painful and uncomfortable are far from being appropriate adjectives to describe what our boys go through.  I thought I would get my baby back, love him up and nurse him back to peace and tranquility. 

The tranquility never came.

When the doctor came in to get my son I was in a state of euphoria–glowing, breastfeeding, and wanting to explode with love.  The doctor scoured at me, and asked why I was feeding him.  I said because he wanted to keep nursing.  He replied with “he is not supposed to be eating now” and something along the lines of  “You need to stop,  that’s what motherhood is about.”  What?

So I allowed my son to be taken from his warm security nuzzled in my safe breast, and have the most sensitive part of his body be torn and cut–most likely without anything to help ease his pain–and it went something like this: 

He is strapped down in a cold room, naked from the waist down and scared.  His heart is racing and his blood pressure is through the roof.  The foreskin is ripped from the glans (think finger nail being ripped from the nail bed–only worse because this is his penis) and cut from his body forever.  He screams, a scream so extreme words do not justify his suffering.  Soon his screams turn into gurgling because he is choking on his own vomit–vomit because the pain is so severe, so intense his body tries to fight the only way it knows how.   The nurse is there to suction the vomit and bile from his throat,but nobody is there to stop this madness.  The procedure ends, and he is forever changed.   

Some babies pass out–or “sleep right through it” as some would have the audacity to say.  These babies are the lucky ones; the ones who pass out and are hopefully spared some of the pain.  Babies are put into the fight or flight mode days after birth.  Can you imagine undergoing surgery without anesthesia?  Why are we doing this to our sons?  Why do we think that a newborn penis is less susceptible to pain? 

When my son came back from his surgery he just couldn’t rest.  He who was a champion nurser would no longer nurse well.  Even as he got older he wouldn’t make eye contact with me and he woke up in the middle of the night with screaming episodes until he was 2 years old.  Screaming episodes so intense my husband and I would sometimes end up in tears ourselves.  The screaming was trance-like and we just had to wait it out.  I will never know if his circumcision played a roll in his seemingly constant state of anxiety but I do not rule it out. 

For the first 2 years of his life he would not sleep unless he was in my arms.  Some nights even that wasn’t good enough, he had to be belly to belly with me and though I didn’t realize it at the time, this is the very thing that helped him heal.  Helped him trust.  And helped him gain confidence in his little world.  Thank God I listened to my inner voice and did what he so desperately needed.   Would he have been the same intense baby had I left him intact?  Maybe.  But I don’t think so.  I will always have a twinge of regret that I didn’t leave him camped out at my breast–where he belonged–like my instincts told to me to do. 

If a man wants a circumcision later in life that is his choice.  His Choice.   Millions of women get cosmetic surgery and suffer through the painful recovery.  I do not understand the argument that it is easier for an infant to have the surgery done than a grown man, this truly puzzles me.  I can guarantee an adult man will not be strapped down awake and have his foreskin cut and removed while he screams in agony.  I can guarantee this because we are not barbarians.  So why are we treating our newborn son’s as if we were?

Please comment and let me know your thoughts, hopefully I haven’t offended any of my fellow moms.  In no way do I equate circumcision with poor motherhood and I never will.  My intent is to share my story and to inspire other parents to research themselves;  to question our culture and to do better for our future generations.

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