Warm Hearts Happy Family

And not just a better mom but a better wife, a better employee, and a better member of society.

I am feeling fantastic because slowly…very slowly…I am recognizing the person in the mirror. I am seeing my old face. I am feeling energy instead of exhaustion. And I am feeling skinny(er).

Jillian Michaels and her 30 Day Shred really gave my battery a jump–gave me the motivation to claim my health and body back. I am now on my fifth week of Weight Watchers and am down another 15 pounds! Go me!

I turn 30…in one month. And damn-it I want to be a MILF. I want to feel hip and cool, pretty and successful. I want to have it all and my thick layers of fat were keeping me from the person I want to be.

Like it or not when you are fat, you are discounted in society. You are invisible. And you are not taken seriously. When I hit 220 pounds I experienced this for the first time.

I find it extraordinarily interesting they way people interact differently with me during the different stages of my weight. Weight shouldn’t matter but it does. Your weight–right or wrong–says something about you (accurate or not). I am done feeling fat and inadequate.
I am ready to feel young, empowered, and in control!

My house is a much happier place when I am in control. A much more tranquil and doused-in-love place when I feel good. My family has filled me up with love so strong I practically have joy seeping from my pores and sunshine beaming from my ass. It’s good stuff.

So taking control of my weight and my happiness is the least I can do for them.
I still have a long way to go—as in 50 more pounds to go—but I started. And starting can be the hardest part.

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I am on day 12 of the 30 Day Shred and I am kicking my own ASS for not taking a before picture.  I also want to punch myself in the face for not taking any measurements because this is the type of plan in which these two activities are essential. 

You see as things droop stand I am building muscle for the first time in years.  A decade really.  And being almost 100% body fat, the process of burning that and building muscle is actually making the scale go up.  UP.  And seeing those brutal numbers rise makes me want to crawl into bed and never come out. 

So by not having a before picture, or any measurements, the number on the scale is making me feel like a failure.

So I am going to have the husband do these things for me tonight (hopefully he will have managed this insane task called getting the kids bathed and in bed before 10pm when I am due home) so I can get a more acurate representation of my efforts. 

And…

I am going to post the before and after pictures when I am done.  And if you know me, you know how hard this will be for me.  Because when it comes right down to it I am just vein, and absolutely mortified at the way I look; with they way I have let myself go. 

But…

This is necessary for a number of reasons.  The first being I need to own my body, and stop pretending like the world hasn’t noticed I got fat.  I need to embrace myself at this weight and stop letting the extra layer(s) validate me as a person.

 The second reason is to help motivate others.  When I googled 30 Day Shred before and after pictures, most of the results I found were ladies that were already thin to begin with.  Not so much help for me, or others that may have 50 or more pounds to lose. 

And besides the self therapy and the motivation for others, I want to have documentation of my journey.  While this will never be a fitness blog, having a place to track my progress and results will be huge for keeping my fat ass off the couch eye on the prize. 

And the prize is huge, the rewards many.  To name a small few… 

• Self Confidence
• Pride
• Healthy Sex Life
• Active lifestyle
• Success
• Cute Clothes
• Enjoying the Summer (for the first time in years)
• Accomplishment 

So here begins my documented journey and I pray that I stick with my plans…because if I attempt and fail at losing weight one more time, my husband better just order a crane to lift my obese-ness and break me out of the bedroom through the roof of the house.

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I am turning 30 this year and truth be told I excited for the new chapter. I am learning what really defines me. And am taking hold of what I want out of life. I was watching Bishop TD Jakes one day and he said something that turned a light bulb on…he said your life is not going to happen by accident. You need a plan. If you don’t change your behavior and create a plan, your outcome is going to be the same. Duh! But he said it in such a way that made sense to me. I had heard this all my life in school…goal setting, life planning etc. But this man, this day, finally made me believe in myself and believe that I can have whatever life I want.

So…what life do I want? I am pretty much living it, but with a huge factor missing. Are my husband and I fulfilling what we are meant to do with our lives? We are an amazing team. We are amazing parents but I know we can be better people. We both have careers that we don’t love, we work to pay the bills. And that is OK, but I don’t want to be just OK anymore. I want financial security but that is never going to happen unless we believe we are worthy of that. I want to make a difference in the world but I for the life of me don’t know how. I STILL don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. How sad is that? I could never come up with an answer in school when asked either. I know a couple of things. I love children, especially children in need. I have a deep desire to heal little souls. I would love to work helping children battle autism, along side with giving their parents hope. But how do I start my life over with a mortgage, 2 kids, and piles of bills? Oh, and almost zero spare time?

More than myself, I would love to see my husband realize how amazing he is. That he is so smart and can do ANYTHING he wanted. Anything. He is such a smart man and he cuts himself so short. He is so talented in so many ways. I pray that he has his aha moment. I would bend over backwards to see him succeed, would give up almost anything to see his self esteem rise and see him fulfill his desires. If only he could figure out what he wants to do, and believe he can do it. Tim, if you read this you can do it.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy. I am really soaking in what this means and trying to live by it. You get out of life what you imagine, what you dream, and how you see yourself. It is applicable to so much in my life. I always saw myself married to an amazing man, check. Always saw myself as a mother, check. Always saw myself in a beautiful home filled with love and peace, check. I have accomplished so much in my life with this philosophy and didn’t even realize it. When I made the Pom squad in high school. When I wanted my current position at work (that I am still in 7 years later! ugh!). When planning my dream wedding. So many things happened just as I saw they would, knew they would. Now I am trying to use this to take my life to the next level.

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