Warm Hearts Happy Family

I turned 30 yesterday.  Finally.  Truth be told I have been looking forward to being 30 all year. 

I wondered if I would feel more like an adult, like a grown-up instead of a fumbling and bumbling 12 year old…we shall see.

A lot of great things are happening lately.  My writing is going extremely well and I am making all of the goals I have set for myself.  I am going to continue to pursue this dream and I hope 2010 is good to me.

I have also hit the 20 pound mark in my weight loss.  I haven’t weighed what I weigh now since before I got pregnant with my son.  I am starting to look normal chubby, not “whoa that’s a huge chick!” chubby. 

I have also finally made a doctor appointment for my anxiety.  Lately, I would say for the past month it has been raging, just raging out of control.  I feel anxious every single day.  If I don’t have a panic attack on top of it, then it was a good day.  I have always had anxiety but I have always managed it.  When it would get bad, it would always recede and give me peace in between episodes.  But not anymore.

I can not live with this constant feeling of dread anymore.  Things hit a peak when at my 30′th birthday party on Saturday I had an attack.  Not just the normal feeling of irrational fear, but an attack on top of it.  The more people that came into the house, the more I felt out of control, out of breath.  Not even an hour into the party I was sitting by myself, trying to control the attack, crying, and wishing the party was over.  Saying to myself “I can’t wait for this to be over.”

I realize I need help.  I am so hesitant to let myself become dependant on medication.  My family has a history of addiction and abuse.  But I can not live like this anymore.

I will update after my appointment.  Here’s to feeling better!

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I am socially awkward. I just am. And I wish I knew exactly why…

On the outside I am a decent enough looking specimen of the human species. Chubby, sure. But decent looking all the same. And on the inside I am intelligent, caring, and driven.

So why in the HELL do I feel so out of place and inferior in the most normal of situations?

Like for example, I went and got my hair cut today which was long over due. The salon I go to is filled with kind and warm women, and the atmosphere is friendly and welcoming. And still I feel like I don’t belong, like I am a child amongst the grown ups.

And don’t even get me started about a party or some other social gathering where I might not know everybody well. Or work meetings where I am supposed to mingle with my peers. I have this internal dialogue that people surely think I am a weirdo. And they probably do think I am weird–or just bitchy–because I am so withdrawn most of the time.  And primarily this is because I just don’t know what to say.  I have this all time cricket chirping audio everywhere I go–at least I wish I did.  Anything to help fill the silence while my brain feverishly searches for something brilliant and witty to say.

My husband, bless him, is the polar opposite.  I love going places with him because he is the type of person that draws people in.  He is a bright shining light and NEVER runs out of things to say.  To the point of nausea at times (just ask our friends!).  I am completely content to sit back and let him do our socializing.  This way I can relax, have a drink if I am lucky, and just enjoy my environment–the way I like to.  I am a soaker.  I like to add to the vibe  and contribute to the conversation when I want to.  God help me when I have to work a room myself.

Anyone feel me on this?

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