Warm Hearts Happy Family

Let me preface by the fact that men have come a long way baby.   There is a culture shift happening–a movement really–in which men  are plugged into their families.  They contribute equally (or in my case more) in the household chores.  That are tender with their children, they are not afraid to let their nurturing underbellies show.  They co-sleep with their children and they really brave few might even be seen wearing their babies.

My man fits most of these yummy qualities.

But a man he still is.

And apparently men still reserve the right to check out and have adult time anytime that meets their man fancy.

Like when we are at a large gathering and all the men disappear into the garage/basement/backyard/anywhere that the women and children are not.  They hoot and holler, drink beer, smoke and just enjoy feeling “free” for a few hours. 

All the while the women are gathered similarly except their time is spent as a human juggle gym, a milk bar, a monster catcher, a boo-boo fixer a spill cleaner-upper and more.

Men gallivant off to play basketball or golf in their free time.  

Women take the kids to the park.

Men escape into their man-rooms of the house when the day has drug on just a few hours too long, while the women fight with over tired kids and bed times.

Men tally up all they have done until they have filled their “time-card” and are eager to punch out…

I think I am going to try these sneaky man tactics.

How about I clean up after dinner, give baths and put on their jammies only to flee as fast as my legs will take me down to the basement so I can turn up the surround sound to drown out all that is happening upstairs.  To drown out the fervent protests to bedtime.  To drown out the sound of a teething baby’s cries.  To drown out the exasperation in my husbands voice.  And to drown out the sound of the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song filling our home for the 1,895,00 time.

Or

I can join a golf league and leave my phone in the car so I am 1,000 percent unreachable because as you know, it is absolutely against golf etiquette to even think about your phone in the presence of the golf gods.  The only way to please these gods are to drink, smoke, tell dirty jokes and scratch your balls.  Shit, I wonder if scratching the sweat between my boobs will suffice.

Or

I can pretend like I am taking out the garbage/getting something out of my car/watering the flowers but really sneak into the neighbors garage to get away and throw back a beer.

Or

I can give my husband my boobs so he can nurse the said teething baby all night long  while I lay there asleep pretending not to hear a thing.

So yes, men have come a long way but still have things pretty damn easy if you ask me.

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I feel much better going to work knowing my kids feel all warm and fuzzy and secure in their world.  Here are some things I do to maximize time with them and ensure they feel loved and important.

1. Co-sleep.  I will admit that before I had kids I thought families that co-slept were the crazies.  I think I even said “oh hell to the no, night time is my time” or something very similar.  Little did I know that co-sleeping would become one of my favorite parts of motherhood; and I believe the benefits from doing so will last my kids the rest of their lives.  When my babies can wake up in the middle of the night and know they can snuggle into mom (or dad!) that means something.  And when my kids wake up in the morning and get to share stolen moments of cuddling and giggling and undivided attention that means something.  Maybe it means everything–who knows what kind of impact our mornings will have on their feelings of worth and value and security.  I know sharing your nighttime space seems like a sacrifice but really the opposite is true; everyone involved gains so much. 
2. Planning their day.  So this could fall into the co sleeping category but every night when I tuck my son in we snuggle and talk about what he is going to do the next day–whether I am working or not.  This way he gets the message that I am involved in and care about his day activities, even when I am not home.  Lets face it, he is three so his days mostly consist of playing with cars, playing with trucks, playing with trains–you know–the typical boy automotive fascination.  Daughter is too young to understand anything besides bed = boob time, but I tell her about her day to come anyway. 
3. Calling home.  I make a point to call and talk to my son while at work know matter how busy I am.  This sends the message to him that he is in my thoughts always.
4. Quality time.  I remind myself that tasks that feel more like chores after a long day at work can be quality time; and  time that nobody else can replicate.  For example dinner time.  Let the little ones help you make dinner or set the table, or just encourage them to spend time with you in the kitchen while you cook.  Have family dinners at the table and implement something like the high low game (where each member of the family says the best and worst part of their days).  Make bath time a time to be silly and to connect.  And I think you get my feelings on bedtime–the best time to get one on one contact and interaction is right before they go to sleep.  I love seeing my kids fall asleep with a smile on their face ( and they really do!).
5. Make time for YOU.  This may be the most important thing you can do.  If mom is overworked, overtired, and overstressed (which I have been more times than I would like to admit) than making our kids feel as loved and as important as they are is next to impossible.  When the love we have in our hearts is buried under stress and sleep deprivation the whole family suffers.  Do something every day that is just for you.  My favorite selfish example is to nap.  I just need sleep and husband has finally learned everyone in our house will be so much happier if mom just gets one good nap in per week.  Other days I take a long bath or have a glass of wine and surf the web.  Or have a glass of wine and read a book.  Or have a glass of wine and watch some mindless addictive television.  OK so wine seems to be the theme but I don’t need AA, I swear.  Girl scouts honor.  But every persons unwind button is different.  Maybe you run, or maybe you cook (in which case go ahead and scratch the above kids in the kitchen for quality time nonsense).  Whatever the case may be, be like Nike and just do it.  You are super woman and you deserve time to recharge.

This is a pretty typical day in my house.  While these things may not work for everybody, they changed the way I viewed motherhood; and changed a woman who used to stressed and unhappy into the mom I always wanted to be.

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I am in a funk.  The deep funk that makes it almost impossible to smile.  Maybe I am being a little dramatic but I feel blah just the same.

I honestly believe that the entire tone of the families dynamic rests with the inner happiness of the primary parent; or both parents as the case may be.  In my family mom is where it’s at.  Dad–by his very nature–is goofy, happy go-lucky, and full of energy.  He has this unique gift of ignoring all of his life stresses and can find his happy place at the snap of a finger.  Me not so much.  I have to actually be happy to find my happy place.  And it is also me that sets our family tone.  I need to crawl out of this bad mood because there is only so much pretending I can do.

What is causing my normally bright optimistic self to have a low burning irritation that is ready to ignite into full blown rage at the most unsuspecting person?  A few things…

1.  I am so tired.  Now that Diva Baby is nursing much less frequently in the middle of the night I decide to start staying up past 11pm.  Party animal I know. 

2.  I am a chronic procrastinator.  I have recognized how much stress this adds to my life and yet I can not seem to get my shit together.  I leave tasks and assignments to pile up until I have so much in front of me I feel like I might explode with anxiety and exasperation mixed with rage and desperation.  Dramatic again?  My bad.

3.  I need to get laid.  Those Hawaiian flowers are divine. 

I am sure I will bounce back to my positive life loving self tomorrow.  Going home to some good snuggle time with the kids, followed by good wine, followed by a much needed good nights sleep.

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Original version posted at detnews.com MichMoms blog

I am amazed at the success I am experiencing this year and am more convinced now than ever that you can take control of your life. You can make your life anything that you want it to be. I never dreamed I would be creating the opportunities for myself that I have. Never dreamed I would rediscover my childhood dreams and see them come to life. Never dreamed I would be so satisfied in my career. And most of all, never dreamed my family would fill me up with so much love and happiness that joy spills over into every thing I do.

My family is amazing. My husband…he is so much more than my husband. He is my best friend and my teammate. He enables me to be the mother I am and to follow my dreams. He enables me because of the kind of man he is…the most nurturing and loving father I have ever seen. And he keeps our house in amazing order which gives me time for me. And when we have time for ourselves we can give so much more of the good stuff to the world.

I can’t help but wonder why? Why is everything in my life going as I want it? I have been thinking about this for a few weeks now and the answer is simple. Because I changed my attitude. Because I started believing in myself. Because I took control of my life instead of waiting for my life to just happen.

I am fully aware that we are just shy of April and the year is has really just begun. But the old me would wait for something to implode, would wait for some terrible tragedy to overtake my happy bubble, or would wait for my career to fall flat. The new me realizes your life will be whatever you choose it to be. Your life is up to you to create. Your life can be the things that dreams are made of.

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